Introduction
Whether you’ve been married one year or 40 plus, marriage can be hard. The reason why is due to the complex nature of being human. Humans are imperfect. We come with our issues. Two separate lives are now coming together to be one. It’s important to figure out, and continually work towards improving the relationship with your spouse, not only for your own personal enjoyment and satisfaction, but for others who are invested in your relationship as well, e.g., children, extended family, friends, community members.
Marriage becomes the foundation for the family system. If the marriage fails, so potentially does the family. If the family system is unhealthy, there is a never-ending ripple effect, ultimately influencing society. Having a successful marriage not only benefits each partner but enhances and creates a healthy community. Staying strong together is critical not only for you, but for everyone around you, including future generations. That’s a huge impact!
Continue to embrace the good memories from your courtship and dating days.
When you and your spouse encounter hard times (and if it hasn’t happened yet, oh you just wait!), it can be helpful to remember the good times. From the fondest memories of your courtship and dating days, to the small, treasured moments together. When your mind is flooded with negativity, it can be impossible to think of one good thing, leaving you to think, why did I ever decide to marry this person! One way to battle through the thick cloud of despair and misery is to revert to a written journal of the good moments! Keep a running journal of all the positive things in the relationship, amazing qualities of your spouse, and reasons why you got married in the first place. Keep a record of those memories, because through the difficult times, this is often forgotten.
When one or both of you start feeling down after an argument (or other sad event), pull out that marriage journal of positive memories and try focusing on the positive elements of your relationship. This will often start to put things back into perspective. Dwelling on negativity will breed more negativity. We need some positivity to fight the battle going on in our minds and soul. If it seems like it’s impossible to think of anything positive in the relationship, and you feel like you’re running on fumes within the relationship, then that’s an indicator that serious intervention needs to occur asap. I am a strong advocate for marriage counseling and getting involved with a healthy marital community who can walk with you through the battles. Also, educate, educate, educate, yourself on marriage dynamics, methods, tools, etc. Instead of sitting by passively and just “accepting” the bad that’s going on in the relationship… fight for it, by doing something about it.
Listen nonjudgmentally.
The best way to communicate is through listening. I can't stress this enough. Active listening is monumental towards cultivating great communication. To be heard, you must first know how to listen. Active listening does not come naturally or easily. This skill must be learned, and continually practiced! And, no, you may think you’re listening, but you’d be surprised that it takes A LOT of effort! I’m a professional counselor. My job is to listen to people all day. However, I must remind myself to active listen to my husband on a continual basis, because when I get mad…. All bets are out the window, and I become the worst listener! The closer you are to someone, the harder it is to genuinely active listen to them.
Reflecting to the speaker, the meaning of what was said (“reading between the lines/words”), not just picking up on certain words and running with it, helps the speaker know you understood and see their soul. This tends to chip away at defensive behaviors and prepares the speaker to listen to you! Listening is the first and critical step towards effective and healthy communication.
Active listening can be a very difficult task to accomplish, especially if you have a lot of pent-up emotions. If you're feeling angry or upset, I would encourage you to first take a time-out to process what you’re thinking and feeling. Remember, your feelings are neither right nor wrong, they ARE your feelings, which are signals, letting you know something is contradicting your values. If it’s hard to articulate verbally what’s going on, try writing down your thoughts and feelings before communicating them. This pause will give them time to calm down as well and help avoid a situation where both parties are yelling at each other. The other part of the communication process is how to respond, which I will cover in another blog post… stay tuned.
Know that conflict is normal and natural.
Conflict is a sign that two lives are merging and becoming congruent with one another. Conflict isn't a sign of a bad relationship, but rather an indication of a healthy one. In fact, research shows that couples who “argue” (I like to say, attempting to get on the same page), frequently and openly have better communication skills (they get more practice) than those who avoid conflict altogether. Put another way: couples who “fight” well or sort out differences, are more likely to stay together.
The key to managing conflict is knowing HOW (this is a skill that needs to be cultivated and practiced) to approach each other when you're upset—and then HOW to resolve the problem once you've both cooled down enough to talk about it rationally and calmly (maybe even over some wine). Resolving conflict will be found in a future blog post as well.
Appreciating your spouse for who they are.
One of the biggest enemies of marital satisfaction is the inability to accept your partner for who they are, flaws and all. Learning how to accept your partner for who they are, starts with humility and understanding your own imperfections and weaknesses. Marriage is a union that compliments. Remember, opposites generally attract! Your weaknesses tend to be their strengths, their weaknesses tend to be your strengths. Appreciating this dynamic is necessary in creating the ultimate super team!
Believe it or not, your weaknesses, the things you feel you don’t do well, are important in marriage. Why, you ask? Because 9 times out of 10, your spouse has some characteristics that make up for your weaknesses. Appreciating this synergy helps all the pieces of the puzzle come together, which in the end, helps to create a beautiful, puzzle piece, masterpiece. You both have things to contribute to the relationship and expecting your spouse to be like, think like, or approach things like you, etc. will cause unnecessary hardships and continual disappointments.
Build a culture of appreciation in your home.
Having a spouse comes with its fair share of pet-peeves. It can encompass certain annoying habits or specific obnoxious personality traits. Mine is loud chewing!! It can also be they don't do the dishes the way you like them done, perhaps they’re chronically forgetful. Whatever it is it's important to remember, it exists in relation to the extensive list of their good qualities and what they contribute to the relationship. Annoyances are normal, however should be heavily outweighed by all the good. If is not the case, I would encourage you to seek professional assistance to help process the serious level of discontent.
It's essential that both partners take time out of their day to express appreciation for one another. This can be done by writing down or verbally expressing what each partner appreciates about each other throughout the day. This can also be applied to other family members as well.
- A sample exercise could be writing down three-five different things the other person has done or said, on little pieces of paper, and putting them all into a jar at night. When everyone goes to bed (or morning if everyone gets up earlier). At dinner time, pull out one piece of paper from the jar and read what was written on it out loud so everyone hears it! You may even want to write something back onto their paper before putting it back into the jar for another day (this makes sure your spouse feels appreciated).
- Another way you can express appreciation is by having regular times where each partner takes turns saying aloud what he/she appreciates about his/her partner during dinner (or breakfast or lunch... whatever meal works best for you!), in the morning before you start your day, or before going to bed.
Encourage each other to grow as individuals.
Losing one’s sense of self can become a marriage buster. It’s been heard all too many times, once the kids leave the house, a spouse may feel a loss of self, which strains the relationship. Or, if a spouse finds a new hobby that becomes fulfilling, the other spouse feels significantly neglected. Basing your identity on your spouse puts undo pressure on them to “always” be there to appease your insecurities, or anxieties, which ultimately stains the marriage relationship. These can be signs of identity issues. One of the most important things you can do for your marriage is to continue to build upon your identity. It is also good to encourage each other's individual growth. Going through life, and consistently investing yourself in others, can contribute to a loss of self-identity. If the question was asked, “who are you?” would you say? Would you say your roles, titles, or behaviors make up who you are? If so, that’s not it. You are so much more!!! Basing one’s identity on something that is greater than yourself, something that doesn’t change, and is greater than the environment (whatever this means for you), is a sure way to building your identity on a solid foundation rather than shifting sand. Being firm in self-identity tremendously helps cultivate a healthy and lasting marriage. No longer are you dependent on your spouse to “make you happy” (which never works) but have found true contentment and happiness based upon who you are, and who you were created to be, with purpose.
Your mate should be your biggest fan and cheerleader, and you should be theirs as well. If he has been working on his golf game, consistently trying to perfect it, and wants to play in a tournament, encourage him and make sure that he knows you’re there supporting him; if she signs up for a class that helps her grow in her career and goals, go with her so that she knows you're behind her 100%. It’s a team effort, working together to encourage each other's quest to build upon individual identities while also building your own.
Don't stop date night — or date day!
Date nights are important. When you first got married, the thought of going out without the kids was exciting and romantic. But with time and stress, date nights can feel more like an obligation than a treat.
The fact is that date nights aren't just fun—they're crucial to your relationship and your health. They help keep the spark alive in your marriage, they also give you memories and stories to share with friends and family. It’s also something to write in your marriage positivity journal mentioned previously (to read when you’re really mad at your spouse about something). The coolest thing about date nights/days/hours, is that it doesn’t have to be spectacular!!! My husband and I, thoroughly enjoy just lying-in bed, with pizza and buffalo wings, and joking around with each other. This is good, quality time, and I personally consider this a date! To each, its own. Find whatever works for you and do it often!! Sometimes “date” time (I’ll rephrase because it doesn’t have to be at night), must be intentional, especially if you lead a very busy life, full of kids, events, family, work, etc. Put it on the calendar! Make it happen. A sign that you need to spend time with each other is increased tension and feeling disconnected. If these warning signals occur, quality time becomes an emergency occasion.
Live in a way that honors your partner and yourself.
Never, never, dishonor, disrespect, or talk negatively about your spouse to others (family, friends, co-workers, etc.) and especially in front of others in the presence of your spouse. This is a relationship killer! If the feelings of contentment have grown exponentially, you’re in an abusive situation, or you feel trapped or overwhelmed, illicit the help of pastor or a professional! A professional counselor or marriage counselor is an unbiased person who can provide that safe space to help you process your thoughts/emotions, and devise an appropriate action plan of action to enhance the situation you’re currently in.
Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, and don't be afraid to say that you're sorry. Vulnerability is the bridge to true connection. Without vulnerability and honesty, there isn’t a real marriage. If you make a mistake or if something isn't working out the way expected, speak up and communicate appropriately (noticed I said appropriately, which is another skill to learn and build) with your partner. Doing so will help prevent resentment and bitterness from growing over time.
- Practice saying "I love you" every day on a regular basis—and don't forget about those little things too! Saying "thank you" or "you did a good job" can make all the difference in keeping the relationship strong and healthy.
- Never let fear of rejection hold you back from communicating. You are not responsible for what your spouse does, but you ARE responsible for what YOU do. Always apologize when necessary. Use humility as an opportunity for growth by taking responsibility for your actions (even if they weren't intentional). It's okay if things aren't perfect. They don’t have to be—everyone makes mistakes! We're all human after all :)
Keep working on it!
Marriage is the best platform that helps you be the best version of yourself you can be… only if you put in the work to grow as an individual, you thus you end up growing together. The rough patches are opportunities to grow in character. Instead of pointing the finger (which is all too easy to do) at your spouse, ask yourself, how can I grow through this and be a better person? Maybe you were never good at setting good boundaries, or a good communicator… well now’s the opportunity to get better at it!
Remember that marriage is a journey, not a destination. Marriage isn’t always going to be easy, but it has the potential of being the best decision you ever made. Anything worth anything in life, take significant work, and time. Marriage requires a significant amount of patience, and persistence to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Remember: love is NOT a feeling but rather an action. The more effort you invest in the relationship, the greater the feeling of love can and will grow.
Marriage is a commitment. It’s a choice you make every day. It takes work to be in a healthy relationship, but the payoff is well worth all the effort!
Conclusion
These tips are not the end-all-be-all, but I hope some of these tips will help you have a stronger and happier marriage. It's not always easy, but it's worth fighting for. And remember you're not alone! There are plenty of resources out there to help you through the rough patches in your relationship. Utilize them!! Read books, go to marriage counseling, or find a healthy community of married couples. Marriage can be difficult at times, but don't give up hope. Keep working on it—and please feel free to revert to some of these suggestions to enhance your relationship!
